Black Women White Men White Women Black Men

2007-08-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

People aren't suppose to go around posting blogs to get themselves into trouble. I thought I'd give that avenue a try anyway. If this works what you will read below is an excerpt from an article I found on an offbeat website. The subject, as you'll soon discover, was how to succeed, as a male, with the opposite sex, if only for a very short amount of time, let's say a night.

What really struck me about this is that it is really being written by white males for white males. Who ever wrote this article went on, and on, about other female "stereotypes."

You know what the real problem with stereotypes happens to be? They are sometimes the symptom, not the cause of a de facto stereotype.

Now, I could get in trouble simply because I didn't ask for permission to post this. If they find me out I'll more than likely go to prison or be ex-communicated. Oh, well. I'll try to put the article in another font as well as separate it with asterisks to help out...

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BLACKS
We could write a whole article about this subject alone because, despite what the anthropologists in San Francisco tell you, black girls are different. To understand black girls you have to understand black guys. They are not indie-rock nerds. They lie a lot and they are never clingy. That means a) she is going to be totally skeptical about you from the get-go and b) if you are even the least bit clingy you are gone.

When you come up to her do the basic "talking, laughing, fu****g" school of thought but DO NOT talk about race. If she wants to bring it up that's fine, but you don't care. Just calmly buy her a drink and don't be fazed when she acts like she doesn't give a s**t. Nobody gets a black girl talking without at least one "not interested."

If you didn't know that, you probably have no clue what you're getting into. Other crucial facts include: they are all scared of Marilyn Manson; they hate it when you step on the carpet; they think Chinese food is exotic and Thai food is from outer space; they love it when you call their parents "Sir" and "Ma'am;" they won't give you a b***j*b for the first few months; they roll their eyes when you watch the Discovery channel; they will spend all day getting ready to go out; and finally, they cannot comprehend why anyone would listen to hardcore by choice (Minor Threat = white noise). Oh, and NEVER touch her hair. That s*** costs hundreds of dollars a month and if you mess with it even in the slightest she will beat the s*** out of you. Understand? She can't even get it wet. That's why they're all so scared of rain and swimming. They can't have a shower for the first few days after having their hair done and every night that s*** gets wrapped up. That's why doggy style is so popular.

If you can get through all that and still get her home, the fact that your d*** is not 11 inches long and you can't f*** for more than 20 minutes is not exactly great news. However, you perform cunnilingus and that makes up for a lot (that's why black girls call white guys "Freaky"). Getting a black chick is one of the hardest things in the world, but once you finally gain her trust she will do anything for you. She will have your babies, get your name tattooed on her a**, and slap the s*** out of any woman who looks at you. They're kind of like Parisians: mean at first but down for life once you get in there.

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It takes more than a sense of humor to have gotten all of the intent of this article. If you can even get over the patently racial slurring inherent in such an article you may see how some white people see black people. Beyond this, you'll also see that the author is telling the truth in some very real and tragic senses of the ideal behind telling the truth.

Firstly, and most importantly, is the question of, "Why are black women the hardest to get?" This should probably be a question reserved by most white men but it is I, a black male, who happens to be asking. Perhaps it is because I'm not getting the point...

I suppose the first thing I have to say about this is I really don’t care what color a woman is. I say color and mean it as nothing more than skin pigmentation. To be even more absurd about this I wouldn’t even mind if a woman came in tones of red, total midnight black, chrome or could change hues at will. Get my point?

With that in mind I do have a preference about how a woman has been socialized. Let’s face it; black people are not, generally speaking, like white people. Without a discussion of genetics, black people have far more obstacles to overcome with regards to racism, prejudice, negative stereotypes, employment barriers and a history that continues to stigmatize and/or embolden its members in their perspective endeavors. Yet the issue, if it is an issue, of interracial relationships continues to perplex me if for no other reason than my lack of complacency on the issue.

From a historical perspective, I would be swayed to condemn white people and black people intermingling simply because of all the differences I just mentioned. White people are the primary cause of these ongoing social offenses--sorry, but what do you want me to say? It would be seen as “sleeping with the enemy” for more reasons than I could imagine. If a black male or female wanted someone that could relate to them why choose someone that has no cultural reference point or who is a member of the "oppressive" race? On the other hand, I’ve never had this particular luxury of having someone that could relate to me. As always this is where I find myself in the minority within the minority position. So meander with me, if you will, down my discourse of confusion.

I wasn’t raised up around a lot of black women. This is easy to grasp given how blacks make up a minority of the overall US population (I heard somewhere between ten to fifteen percent). If a black family chose to live in some non-major city they would more than likely find themselves even more of a rarity. In many small northern California towns there aren’t any black people—no exaggeration intended. I went to high school in a town called Wheatland. I don’t think there are any black people there still after having graduated over 20 years ago. So, who in the world am I going to date? Well, actually, no one. White girls at Wheatland didn’t date black boys—their parents wouldn’t approve and neither would the school principal--just kidding. I went dateless throughout my entire high school experience. In fact I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21 during college. I now live at home in the Wheatland, Marysville area and nothing has changed and I am almost resolutely single. But there is something more to this:

I’m not the stereotypical black male. As an example: One of the most defining attributes of any black person I’ve met is their love of music. I’m not much, if at all, into rap music which seems to be the only music black people, or white people for that matter, listen to. I actually listen to a wide variety of music, I have a strong preference for heavy metal (most black people don’t listen to it or play it). Oddly enough I love black music too, there are several forms of that (rock, jazz, classical, swing, blues, RnB, orchestral, big band, gospel--or did you forget?). I just don’t like much of it past 1979, which is about the time rap came on to the scene. It was also about the time black people stopped playing real musical instruments (besides synthesizers and drum machines) in popular black music. I apologize for the tangent/harangue.

I don’t use slang or ebonics every time I speak. I am actually half black and half Portuguese (I've seen some Portuguese that were blacker than I). I chose to major in English, of all things, during my college experience. I “sound” white for all intents and purposes to most people who meet me. Despite all this I strongly identify with being black despite having always been marginalized by other black people. When it came to socializing with black people I always found myself at odds with certain blacks. Mostly this was due to what I considered their shortsightedness, lack of education, prejudice or just plain envy.

The weird thing about white people, on the other hand, is that some of them are truly color blind. Most of my friends ended up being white because they were open minded about who I was. It wasn’t some long interrogative litany about my choice of music, the way I talked, dressed or any choices I made towards my own individuality. As a natural consequence I tended to hang out with and meet white women. I didn’t run into too many black people acting like hippies, listening to alternative music and especially taking English literature courses. Of course I think some of this is a bit of a shame. Part of me knows that there exists black people who are less conformist oriented, I just can’t seem to meet them. This especially includes black women.

If none of what I’ve told you is an indicator then just let me say that my relations with any black women have been, at best, awkward. One of the last females I dated was black and crazy. A few I tried to date before that were such game players it left a bad impression on me for other black women--one I always strive to overcome.

Black women I’ve tried to come on to were just not interested in my “punk ass.” Some black women I’ve met that were compatible were already dating white men and dated them exclusively. Black women, for me, have been either elusive or just plain crazy. Before I get to crazy let me explore the "punk ass" definition:

Most black females I’ve met (I’ve only met a handful in comparison to the number of white females I’ve met) don’t find me "all that." I can’t blame them. I’m not in to rap music, as I mentioned earlier. I’m not in to treating women like s***, which seems a pre-requisite for most women I meet, regardless of color. I’m not into selling drugs. I’m not a gangster. I’m not much into slang or ebonics--as I explained earlier. I can’t really dance all that well, or swim for that matter. I don’t have a bunch of baby mamas (I don’t have any kids for that matter) or whatever they call illegitimate children’s mothers. I listen to old school black music and rock and metal. I think OJ did it. I think Michael Jackson is messed up. On the other hand, I sort of have big feet and hands and member. I do like watermelon and fried chicken and all the rest of that soul food. Deep down I’m probably one of the most militant black males you wouldn’t want to meet--but that's not the point. As much as I have heard about black women complaining about a shortage of "brothas" they can't seem to get over wanting the same tired old definition of what a "brotha" should be. When they get sick of meeting them, not changing them, getting fed up with their abuse they run to white males. Again, I can't blame them.

Underlying all of this is something that professional social psychologists or sociologists should take up. If black women are opting for white men, who are obviously not black or ever could hope to be black--except for Eminem. Why wouldn't they not opt for black men who are not "black" for all intents and purposes? Well, to be fair, it's not that simple I'm sure. And my example is unfair simply because I haven't met enough black women.

But take this other subtlety into consideration: Many people don't have the capacity to deal with things outside their realm of understanding and/or empirical experience. This where my cynicism has ultimately taken over my thinking about dating in general. I believe many women would only date someone if they fit a particular definition mapped out in their minds. How much or how little open mindedness they bring to a relationship may be directly proportional to how much they know about the "type" of person they are dating. Inversely or conversely, it is directly proportional to the particular "type" they have cast for themselves. I experience this all the time. I have had so many women discount me for so many different criteria that it left me dizzy with apprehension about any woman and her new list of "red flags." If you are in a particular age group then all these criteria must be met. If you drive this type of car then... If you live in this particular area then... If your income bracket is below this then... If it is above this then... If you listen to this type of music then... If you are black then... If your are white then...

Take another read of the above excerpt from that article. How is it that a white male can know black women don't like Thai food? Or their done up hair is so damn cantankerous? Or they don't listen to hardcore music? Because they don't. One in a million might not fit the description.

In case I forget. What do I mean by crazy? This last black female I dated actually went ballistic when I wouldn’t have sex with her. Mind you, I had already performed four times, that very night, before the "earth shattering event" took place. In the middle of the night she stood up in bed, danced up and down on the pillow next to my head and beat on the wall while screaming, “F*** me!” Maybe that’s to be expected from some women but I never planned on it. After I calmed her drunk ass down (I forgot to mention she was drunk and stoned out of her mind) I did oblige her again. I also had to sweet talk her into staying the night and not driving drunk all the way home—an hour’s drive.

My point is to say I like women too much to confine myself to a very small minority of them that don’t even like me, as far as I can tell.

Secondly, from what I have always read in discussions like this, is this pitting one race against another by somehow using the fact of an interracial couple finding happiness as the impetus for just such a discussion. It never ceases to amaze me how logic gets tossed out the door when we see an interracial couple. It’s as if interracial relationships are the cause of the continued strife between the races when they are more likely a symptom. I’m sure if you asked partners in mixed race relationships what they think about race relations in America they would be hard pressed to say things were perfectly fine. By this same token it is what sometimes pushes people of opposite races together.

I know this is going to get me in trouble but I get sick of being black in America. I do. The stereotypical black male in America is “supposed” to be an athlete or a rapper, certainly not an intellectual. Most people in America are so ignorant and conservative in the first place—both black and white people—that I get fed up with all the s*** I have go through just to be me. If I’m not dealing with negative stereotypes from whites then I’m dealing with those same stereotypes from black people who bought into them. I hate to say it but often times the women who have accepted me for who and what I am tended to be white. If they were black that would have been cool too.

An introduction, of sorts...

2007-08-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

I can't exactly recall all the mouse clicks that led me to this point but I will point out the major theme: Interracial marriages or dating. Within or subheading this theme is the discussion of black women dating outside their race.There was an article or news post on Yahoo.com entitled, "More black women consider 'dating out' ." I was then led to a blog by a lady named Evia Moore. Somewhere along this path the movie, with Saana Lathan, was also mentioned, "Something New" as it is titled.

Essentially I found myself reading about frustrated black women who have decided to reconsider dating outside their race. No discussion, as such, would be complete without all the telling statistics regarding the demise of the black male in America. Of course, as I am sometimes apprehensive to mention, I happen to be a black male, that hasn't yet succumbed to the "bad" statistics--yet, I say. In America, being a black male is likened to being on the endangered species list...

Before going in depth about me, per se, I should just simply point out why I would even start such a blog. Quite simply, I didn't have any place to post the "stories" I had previously written on the subject(s). I looked around thinking I could dispense with them and even get some coverage or readership only to find I would get drowned out in a sea of comments. When you read the comments section you rarely find someone has taken the time to cover a topic with some degree of self reflection, much less any spelling or grammatical editing. I have posted some off topic "stories" on my myspace page--but only to vent about dating in general. Oh, by the way, I say "stories" since they aren't researched articles with any true news worthy or academic pursuit in mind.

Another thing about all of this is my use of the word cynical. Perhaps I should have said sarcastic. My cynicism isn't quite strong enough to dissuade anyone from anything. My cynicism isn't even about black women dating white males or any other male, per se. It's about black women ONLY dating white men, or black men ONLY dating white women. It's about anyone who has pigeon holed themselves into this outdated form of exclusionary thinking--some might even call it a subtle form of racism. My cynicism is to always question motives born out frustrations that sometimes are undone in a moments notice. (That's a real imaginative way of saying people should always give others the benefit of the doubt.)

That all said here's a short story about why all of this occurred to me as a strange topic of discussion.

I met this video producer whose topical material was, let's say, less than mainstream. Our short lived alliance was always centered around this discussion of women of color or lack thereof (black women, white women). We stumbled upon the work of a successful movie actress, a black lady with a few movie titles of some notoriety. I was surprised to find out that he had met her in person. "She's fat, obnoxious and big mouthed." Is how he described her. I couldn't argue, since I hadn't met her, probably never will. (I guess I could have argued about whether or not she was fat.) I did point out that her character in the movies I had seen wouldn't have led you to believe such a fat, big mouthed, obnoxious lady could even get such parts. He went on about her eventually capping of his review with, "I don't even like black women, to be honest." This was coming from a black man. Up to this point in my life I'd never, ever heard such a thing said by a black male about a black female.

The more I delved into this discussion with him the more I realized something odd about all of this. I can hardly put it into words but I'll try and try again as my blog becomes more elaborate. For now, let's say there is a strange double standard in the black community about this so called "black thing" versus "white thing" phenomena. This video producer is a black guy. He boasts about this. He prefers white women--he boasts about this too. He somehow, simultaneously, gave me a hard time about my "blackness" while we would talk issues out. I'll better explain as we go along further...

To come back full circle the article on black women dating out had some pithy points of view on the subject about dating out. Oddly enough it only seemed to portray dating the exact opposite of the black male. It did hint about black male frustration with being stereotyped by black females. It even mentioned, in passing, something that really, truly intrigues me. To loosely quote, "Black people are getting fed up with other black people." If there is one singular form of cynicism I do subscribe to is that I'm not only fed up with black people, I'm fed up with all people in general...

Interracial relationships, a cynical perspective

Black Women White Men White Women Black Men

An introduction, of sorts...